Monday, October 19, 2009

I am climbing back on the big ol wagon

The funeral
OK so I have been rolling around in my excuse ridden dust after I have fallen off the back of the big wagon we all refer to. Just for my own journal and (not to make anymore excuses) I want to record how it happened so that perhaps I can avoid letting it happen again and then I will climb back into the gigantic wagon and give it another shot. I say gigantic because this problem makes me feel small and child like. I feel I have to stretch with my arms and get on my tippy toes and pull myself up with all my might just to get back in and then once I am in I am going to have to hold on for dear life as life pulls the wagon much much faster than I feel safe hoping as I experience total body pucker that I stay in and it doesn't flip over and dump me on my head yet again.

June 25Th my beloved Grandpa died. I didn't take it well although I am not sure anyone noticed. I did my best to hide the anguish but it was there. I wanted to be strong for my Dad and kids. I used not wanting my cousins to see the body bugg at the viewing and funeral and judge me as the reason I took it off. A big mistake! I didn't recognize it at the time but I began to medicate myself with delicious but high calorie "feel good" foods and because the body bugg was laying in my bedroom I didn't feel like it mattered if I recorded it. Jason (cutest hubby ever) encouraged me to put it back on but I rebelled some. I made excuses and didn't do it. I wanted to wallow. Sad but true. After the funeral Jason left for boys camp for 6 days and I told myself it was OK not to wear it because he wouldn't know and I needed a "break" I told myself. Shortly there after I discovered a problem with my blood pressure again and was concerned to say the least. My doctor at the time added a 4Th medication and I began having terrible headaches all the time (there goes the walking with my friends) I approached my doctor again. I felt like we were medicating the symptoms and not the cause. He ran some tests and called me and told me there was nothing wrong with me. I WAS DEVASTATED!! I knew there was something wrong. I started shopping for doctors. After talking to some good ladies in my ward I found a super doc that I am thrilled with finally!!! I explained my symptoms which included super fatigue thinning hair depression (although I don't think I ever really admitted to that even though I knew I was) outrageously high blood pressure etc etc etc. He ran a ton of tests (12 vials of blood worth) and told me that my adrenal gland was way over doing it (which can be caused by stress) and that my vitamin D levels were dangerously low. This is going to sound strange but I was so happy to hear there really was something wrong with me!! It wasn't in my head after all!!! I am now only taking one blood pressure med and a med to block the adrenal gland and a boat load of vitamin D. OTS it is amazing what vitamin D effects!! My wonder Doc says that the FDA is going to raise the daily recommended allowances next year because of awesome new info about it!! Last but not least the kids bus schedules got changed so I cant walk with my friends on permanent basis. The way it works out I would not be home when they left and Gabby would be alone with Sarah for a few minutes and shes a little to young for that quite yet. SO.....I have been feeling very bad about my image and my health and worried about the holiday weight gain. Its time to pull up my boot straps and get back to it. I am going to put the body bugg back on and do some great exercise videos here at home every morning and after I master the mornings I am hoping to add the evenings too to allow for some holiday treats and of course count my calories. Making sure that I always burn more than I take in.

God be with me!!

Wish me luck!!!


  1. Wow what a post! I'm so sorry you've been going through all of this without anyone knowing!! You are so strong and I know you can do this!!! Good luck with everything and give me a call if you need anything!

  2. Hi lover. I knew you were having a hard time but even I was surprised at the depth. Please always know I am with you and will help pull you up and dust you off whenever you need it. You are my very best friend and it hurts to see you so sad. I feel for you in your loss, and know you are strong enough to overcome it. I look forward to helping you put together more visual representations of the lost weight; although at the end I really don’t think 100+ pounds of butter would be a good thing to have lying around the house. We will have to come up with a more suitable, less tasty medium.
    I love you with all my heart. I am yours for eternity.
    Love, Jason

  3. PS - Happy 212th month Anniversary!
    Love you baby

  4. You are awesome! There is so much honesty in what you have wrote! You have become my new inspiration. I am glad that I have been given the privilege of being your sister and being part of your life. I am crawling onto the wagon with you!